Saying no.

I’ve said yes to you for too long.

Yes to victimization. Yes to abuse. Yes to doing things that I don’t want to do. Yes to your body. Yes to your wishes forced on mine.

I’ve said yes to you for all my life.

When I was young I really had no choice. I had no way to escape. For years even after being 18 I believed this to be true. I married you, because I thought I had no choice. It’s twisted and strange, but only too true.

Forms of love are often what keep us from saying no. In this case that’s true. I loved you, in a form and fashion. I loved you because I lived off of you. I knew no other way to live. To begin with you made it my prerogative. Then it became the choice I didn’t know I could unmake.

I said yes to living with you like a roommate, because I had never said no. I knew I was worth more. I didn’t know I could say no. I tried to say no in a million ways, but kept you with me because I couldn’t unmake you. I screamed, belittled, raged, threw the wedding ring in your face, got silent, shamed, despised, and disconnected. I found other ways to satisfy yet still keep hold of your hand. I thought I had to.

I signed papers saying that we were no longer connected. I walked away from you, saying no for the first time. My heart was still saying yes.

I met others like you. I didn’t know yet that I could say no. I said yes without thinking. Subconscious memories become action, because I hadn’t undone you. I said yes, yes, yes… Inside, the little girl screamed, “no, no, no!”

There are many ways I can unmake you, and still need to.

But today I am saying no in another form and fashion.

I am saying no to disrespect of my body. My body is worth respect. I am telling the you that lives on inside my subconscious, “No.” I am telling you “I am worth more. I will behave as if I’m worth more. I am beautiful and desirable but I am not a toy. I will not be physically used. I will be connected with physically or I will not use physical touch at all.”

No. I am worth more.

Someday I will give myself the safety and strength to say no to more of you.

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