Panic Switch

Ever have that moment where you react to something before taking enough space to really consider it? I have. In fact it happens quite often for me. Panic crawls up my throat and out of my mouth before I can stop it. And in the face of panic, I babble and become unclear.

There are few moments that make me feel so damn insecure as those ones. The most recent occurrence? This morning. The worst part? The occurrence involves a new job. JUST when I feel such pressure to perform, I have become a babbling idiot (at least, that’s how it looks to me)!

And to be honest, it’s more than insecurity that floods me. The past 24 hours have been a war against depression. The depression rammed into me as the thought appeared “Why is it that I try to rescue myself, and I run into obstacles?” Or, in super plain terms – “WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME???”

I couldn’t admit it publicly yesterday. Other insecurities wouldn’t allow it. I am not a charity case. I am not the girl who is always falling apart. I am not the depressed girl that needs attention. I fought against admission of depression because I so often use the admission to gain attention – to say, “Look at me! Help me! Pay attention to me before anyone else!”

But maybe I am depressed. Clinically. I’ve been wondering if I should go on meds. Partially because I see my mom, who appears to have untreated depression, and I want her to go on meds. And I don’t want to be like my mom who has lived with it for years.

In any case that’s another story. The one I’m telling you is, I sent an email back to my job (the THIRD email in a row… yikes) and gave them a well thought out answer. Sigh. They probably think I’m crazy, but I hope that doesn’t prevent them from changing their minds about me (why do I always feel like people will change their minds about me? yet another insecurity issue to address, I see). 

I was also grateful this morning to go off and volunteer and get out of my own head. I spent almost an hour with a lovely Iraqi woman, trying to converse in my terrible Arabic and her broken English. I am so grateful because it saved me from getting lost inside my own self-pity.

And slowly I am returning to mindfulness and clarity. Maybe I can gain the footing to stay in that space the next time I feel like reacting. The rest of this day will be spent trying to address the insecurity threatening my sanity.

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