We're not up for that. The countless times I heard that phrase as a child. It started with disinterest. It became a lack of time. It became a lack of motivation. It became a lack of energy. It was too hard to interact with the world, to interact with life, to interact with others. So …
This is Real
It is so frustrating when I am in the middle of making dinner and realize I need another pan, but I take one look at what I'd have to do to get one, and I completely shut down. I decide not to wilt the kale and sear the garlic. I decide to just go with …
Stay Here With Me
There is a spoken word poem by Andrea Gibson that is my love poem to myself. It's called The Madness Vase/The Nutrionist. I heard it in person last week when she was here for a sold-out show in Colorado Springs. (By the way, talk about an awesome experience - attending a SOLD OUT Spoken Word …
STOP – In the naaaaaame of looooove…
So, last week was pretty much hellfire and brimstone aimed at my dwelling. Wish I could say I did the celebrity walkout with explosions in the background... (Source) But I didn't. Got nicely caught in the crossfire happening in my own brain. I'm still dealing with aftermath and all the beautiful particles and things. I …
This is Where I Say I’ve Had Enough
"This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now. A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better." -Dashboard Confessional, Saints and Sailors You know it's bad when I'm quoting Dashboard Confessional in …
Resentment and Addiction
"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." AA Big Book, page 64. On my palms are two broken blisters, one unbroken. They are still raw with the storm that the howling wind blew through me last night, leaving me shaking and exhausted in its wake. Adrenaline roaring up through …
Reconciling
Many of us seem to have some strain when it comes to relating to our families. The strain can be especially poignant around the holidays, where interacting with family is expected; if not from our families themselves, then from other well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) friends. This was certainly true for me this year. Going …
To Arrive, Like the Lily, At Will
Victory. It has come late, I had not learnt how to arrive, like the lily, at will, the white figure, that pierces the motionless eternity of earth, pushing at clear, faint, form, till the hour strikes: that clay, with a white ray, or a spur of milk. Shedding of clothing, the thick darkness of soil, …
how did I ever fade into this life…
On nights like this, I don't want to sleep. I don't know if it's a visceral reaction from my teenage years, or if it's from staying up until 4:30 am after watching my sisters be murdered. Trying to avoid nightmares. I took my first drink at 16 when I was staying up late to avoid …
Stained Glass Windows
It has been a long week. The days have slipped by, and some days, I've been pushed to the edge of overwhelm. My saving grace has been that I ungracefully vomited some of my story last week at a recovery meeting. Tears and all. Falling apart in a way I never do. That moment gave …